Everything grows rounder,

and wider,

and weirder,

and I sit here in the middle of it all

and wonder who in the world you will turn out to be

-Carrie Fisher

I saw this quote on babble this morning, and it struck a chord. I’ve fallen into the rabbit hole, and figuring out this new life is starting to become a necessity.

Classes ended for me last Thursday, and since then, I’ve been “a housewife-in-training.”

What I’ve figured out? I’m not so good at the internal-motivation thing. Give me a list of things I need to do (and deadlines, or pressing reasons to do them)? I excel. Same list, no pressure? Um… Expect to still be waiting this time next year. As for those pressing reasons? If YOU (or some “higher power”) give them to me, well, OK then. If I come up with them? Different story. No need to be quite so strict, then. Fluid boundaries. Etc, etc.

I’ve known this about myself for awhile; the hardest part of writing my dissertation (well, other than getting my boss to agree it was time to write it) was convincing myself that, yes, I really did need to follow the deadlines set – after all, I had set them, so I could change them, right? Right? So… similar phenomenon now (and with other things, previously).

What’s weird about this (or, if you prefer, “utterly aggravating”… or perhaps, as I prefer, “quirkily charming”) is that my reaction to externally enforced deadlines? Not so great, either. Not in all cases – if you just give me something to do with a deadline – say, study topic X by date Y, because you will have an exam then – I do it, and usually, do it well. But if you try to ENFORCE your deadline authority over me – say, by saying you need to do X by time Y, and I am going to stand here and watch you do it to make sure it happens – I usually push back. Actually, always do. Run kicking and screaming the other way, in a similar reaction to when my parents told me I HAD to do something in middle/high-school, and I just.didn’t.want.to.

So where is this going, anyways?

Well… I’ve been home for a week now, no classes, no studying, nothing particularly stressful to do. Sure, there have been some minor errands – doctors appointments to make, forms to fill out and drop off, etc etc, but no real fill-up-your-day-and-time events. And what have I done with this time? Um… not much.

I have the beginnings of a good housewife – I love to bake and cook, and am actually somewhat decent at both (not always in the “this food looks amazing!” department, but nearly always in the the “this food is delicious!” one, which, really, is the most important) ; I LIKE crafts, and am passably crafty (I can knit and crochet, as well as sew) ; and I DO know how to clean, though I don’t like to do that one so much (I’m more of an organizer than a cleaner).

But… put into practice? Hm…

Sure, I’ve cooked most meals in the past week (dinner). I’ve been sewing a bunch (dude – baby clothes are sooooo cute!). I’ve even vacuumed after I sew, because otherwise, we’d all be leaving trails of scrap fabric behind us for miles. Oh, and I scrubbed down the microwave. Because that had gotten to the point that even *I* was getting disgusted.

But in reality, I haven’t accomplished much. Most days I set out in the morning with a not-so-ambitious agenda (plan: go to grocery store, clean bathroom, walk dog in central park, cook dinner using new recipe, sew one baby dress, finish knitting sweater while watching tv tonight) and end up doing… um… less than half of it? maybe? (accomplished: grocery store – check! ; bathroom – hell no… ; long dog walk – cancelled due to rain. really. just cuz of that, I swear ; dinner – check … because eating is good! ; sew dress – um, well, one hem is something, right? ; finish sweater – ha. ha, ha. I *looked* at it, does that count?)

There are some things I need to accomplish with some definite end points (um – having nursery ready before baby comes home?) but I can’t seem to convince myself that they are really all that necessary (total amount done in nursery this past week – ordering of one piece of furniture, not yet arrived…) and/or imminent.

But they are. They really, truly, are. I am 34 weeks pregnant (approaching 35) – baby girl COULD arrive any day, and WILL BE arriving soon. I’d like to be ready, or at least, as ready as I can be. This is going to change our lives, and in ways I can’t even imagine. In just a few short weeks, EVERYTHING will change. (I just hope my procrastination skillz will, as well)

I know I can’t imagine or prepare for what is to come. I know what I think it will be like, will turn out wrong. I imagine who my baby girl might be, but right now, she’s just a dream kicking away in my belly. Soon, she’ll be a reality taking all my imaginings and turning them on their heads.

But still, I want to TRY to be prepared. And so, I need to convince myself that this deadline – THIS one – needs to be taken seriously. Because when it’s time, I won’t be able to postpone or delay. Baby girl is coming, whether I am prepared or not. But I’d like to be prepared. I’d like to get my “housewifely” groove in gear, before it gets thrown totally off by the addition of another person to the daily mix.